No.. this isn’t a post about how I have somehow managed to fall in love during lockdown – I mean I have tried – but thats another story… this is about how during lockdown I have actually found the peace within.
Don’t get me wrong – it was really really ropey to start with – I didn’t cope well at all… I can’t even count the amount of times that I cried for no reason at all, and felt sad and upset by not seeing my friends or family. However, being alone, truly alone for the first time – for a consistent period without seeing anyone else, really helped me in a way I didn’t expect.
Lockdown started with a bang – it was a shock to the system for all of us I expect – I was only a few months into a new job, and found myself (fortunately) working from home. I suddenly had no reason to leave my little flat and my two beautiful furkids. It was intense. I was supposed to be in Vegas in April and that came and went and I, like many, missed out on holidays and family occasions and celebrations. And in amongst all this, what I didn’t realise until very recently was that I was actually changing and adapting and had found that inner peace I had longed for.
Through lockdown the universe actually blessed me with a gift. A gift I never imagined I could find. I realised how peaceful it was not having to find an excuse, not having to make a reason for not agreeing to going out with friends. It taught me to find comfort in doing nothing at all at times. To just do what I felt in the moment. Sure lots of people were spending time getting fit – god knows my social media was full of people working out and doing their thing to keep them happy. While I applaud them, I was surprised that I just didn’t feel guilt for not being that person – and that was when I realised I was content.
Not having the distractions and expectations of others made me realise that I need to put myself first, I need to make myself a priority. So I did. I focused on things that brought me joy. I have been reading more – my goodreads challenge is almost complete and I am already way ahead of what I read last year. I have been creative again – making a snood for a friend, painting and drawing, and well writing but not for my blog just writing – random musings and rhymes which one day may get shared but for now its just for me. I have learnt I don’t need to be out in pubs and bars all the time – I don’t miss the whole fuss about where we will go, what we will wear, what it will be – just cos! I value that these things should be for celebrating and spending time with loved ones.
I always thought I liked my own company, now I realise I love it. I haven’t felt bored. I haven’t really even felt lonely. Yes I have been alone – but actually, I realise I don’t need to fill my time trying to make other people happy. Trying to please people all the time, just going along with things. Now I am focused on doing what is right for me – if someone wants to chat and I don’t want to talk – I tell them. Now that it is possible to go to pubs or restaurants – I am still not doing it. And it’s not just the fact that I think about the whole second wave situation, but it’s actually because I just don’t feel like it. My priorities have changed. I know what I want to focus on. What I need to focus on…
So, while lockdown is easing and more steps are available to take now. I know that I will go at my own pace, I never used to care about peer pressure – at school I just wasn’t that person, and I don’t know when I became someone who felt they “had” to do these things. But I am protecting my space and my energy more. I am protecting me and what I want, what I desire. I have focus to make my soul happy and embrace the mess that I am. I don’t want to be perfect – it’s not who I am. I want to have a simpler life, to be truly happy, to not be ruled by the weight of others and their expectations… so I thank lockdown for helping me with my realisations.