Late night reflections

Quite a lot has changed this year… it’s not just the fact that we have a global pandemic happening – which appears to have no end in sight. It’s that I feel I have had a shift in perspective which I have noticed a lot over the last few weeks – perhaps couple of months.

Earlier this year, I was a people pleaser, I would do what made everyone else happy and a lot of the time suffer as a consequence of that action. Then we ended up in lockdown and it changed. I had time for me, because I couldn’t be doing things to make others happy. I started to read more, write more (okay not so much on here but I have been more creative), I have started new hobbies and picked up old ones – I am currently in the process of crocheting a snood for my friend. I have resound passion in things I just didn’t feel like doing.

And it has felt so good. I have developed my mindset and I am so comfortable in myself now. I can ignore that person who has messaged for the first time in months that rejected me so long ago without even thinking twice about it. I use the block button SO much more. I don’t have notifications on my phone anymore – I am not a prisoner to the “must reply instantly” fear… in fact, I only have notifications that show on my phone now from a handful of people – my parents, my sister, my best friends (3 of them) and my new boyfriend. Otherwise, I just see messages when I want to look at them. It’s been liberating to say the least. And I made that change after reading a book by Matt Haig. Its called Notes on a Nervous Planet. I have read it twice now, I love this book. It was a game changer for me. It totally blew my mind and made me realise so much about myself and the society we live in.

Now, I am living on my terms – Okay so I still have to do my job – which I do enjoy even if it has been ridiculously stressful the last six months. And yes, I am thankful I am fortunate to still currently have a job, and be safely working from home. But I feel so much more in control of things than I ever have before. I have found my voice to say “no” without needing to provide a reason – sometimes I do, because I feel its polite, sometimes I don’t.

In my new relationship – still feels ridiculously bizarre saying that, having been single for almost four and a half years – but in this new relationship I have found myself just being able to be totally me without fear. Because why try and please someone by being what they want when I can’t consistently do it. I am me – I have been single long enough, I know my worth and I know what I will compromise on. And it’s been wonderful, I have actually found someone who has my values, a similar perspective on how things should be – but at the same time we have differing thoughts and opinions. We debate and disagree – but I do so without fear of abandonment – which has been so wonderful. I feel like I don’t have anxiety when I am around them, because I am not putting on a front, or worried about saying the wrong thing. I am accepted for who I am. I accept them for who they are. It’s the first time I have felt able to be like this – with anyone other than my 3 closest friends. I am thankful for my courage in waiting, in searching my soul and understanding who I am first and foremost, for not settling before.

This person, has made me accountable also. Strange really isn’t it. I have been achieving goals and setting myself tasks but not really necessarily pushing myself to them. But now, I want to be better, I want to do better. I desire change in myself and my life. I have someone who inspires me daily, who makes me want to be the best me – so together we can be the best we can. To support them while not sacrificing my own dreams. To really be me, and improve myself in the ways I have wanted – they challenge me, motivate me to keep pushing myself. Tonight I sit with legs like dead weights because I have been trying to walk more – since Saturday morning I have walked almost 30 miles. But setting my daily walking challenge and sharing that with someone – who holds me accountable and cheers me on, has made such a difference.

I’ve had a really hard time with my endometriosis the last year, and the last few months I have been on a new treatment for that – well its almost 4 months of that now – how that time has flown. It’s been a heavy change for me. My body struggles at times, but now I don’t want to quit and I have found someone I can share the impacts of it all with. It’s been an adjustment to be able to be open and let someone in, to take someone’s support. My ex husband didn’t give a shit about my condition or how I was, when I was in so much pain I couldn’t move – he got annoyed when I dared ask him to make a hot water bottle or for a cup of tea. Now I have someone who wants to come to appointments with me – and wait outside, who wants to hug me after, who wants to know all about what the treatments are – what the side effects are, so he can support me with it. I am going to have surgery sometime – I don’t know when – I am waiting for my next discussion with the consultant. That surgery will be a big impact for me and I have desperately been wanting to try and lose some of the weight I have gained from having the condition and previous treatments – since the support of my new boyfriend – I have lost half a stone – and am continuing to feel better – enjoy life and not stress about food and what I should or shouldn’t eat, but finding a balance with food and exercise – walking and now I have just purchased a bicycle – which will also help. I want to help my body, I want to take better care of myself.

I don’t really know if there was any point to any of what I have written tonight, but its all just thoughts that have been going around my head. Things I just felt I needed to get out onto this blog.

I am thankful that my blog is starting to share a more positive tone… It’s an important reflection on how life has become for me. It’s been a long slog and a lot of personal development, counselling and soul searching. But I am so thankful for all that has happened in my past, because I wouldn’t be me without it.

I am also thankful for the strength I had even when I didn’t realise it at the time. When I think how close I have been before to ending it all – it scares me. I don’t recognise that person in me anymore. But I know I am still her. I know mental health is never straightforward, I know from before its an up and down battle. Currently I am winning the battle, and I hope to continue to do so. I am more open about that battle now, and I think that truly helps.

Anyway, enough rambles from me tonight… xoxo

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