I had had so much going on in my head the last few months, but seriously struggled with how to get it out of my head and into words. Actual words. Words that make sense… and I am not even sure I can do it now, but as 2020 starts to reach it’s end… I feel like I can’t get out of the loop in my head. replaying the things that went wrong, or didn’t happen, the mistakes and the heartbreaks.
Since my last post, I have had heartbreak and also undergone so many issues medically. I don’t really remember a day when I havent cried in such a long time… I know it will be better and things will pass, but I am exhausted from it all.
October led to the end of the relationship I had started. I don’t even know how to summarise that. Looking, back now there were elements I just didn’t realise how I was under a spell, I felt nerves and unsure about things early on – the gifts, the future plans, the desire to know every single detail of my mind on demand… and well one day when I had felt a need to question something, something not even important but it was on my mind and felt like it needed raising, we had a fight, which then ended up in me being dropped like I didn’t matter. Just cast away as if I meant nothing to him. Totally and utterly discarded. I get a pain in my chest thinking about it now, I am trying to hold back tears. I know it isn’t right, and that he can’t have felt much for me to discard me over the row we had. But I had to ask and resolve the anxiety I was feeling. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t even expect that it would end like that. All the future plans – gone. But, I am slowly piecing myself back together again… remembering that I deserve someone who loves me and accepts me for me. Who will be by my side and reassure. Who won’t disappear at a first row.
I believe that love exists out there somewhere – and perhaps I will find it next year, but I have learnt a lot about needing to keep firm in my boundaries, to not allow control and to make sure I am true to myself. Because when I am the right one really will stay…
November led to me having confirmation of my operation. My endometriosis has been kicking my ass for years… but following the six months I had been on my injections for medical menopause, my consultant has decided that the best step for me is surgery. I will be having a full hysterectomy in 12-18 months. It’s a strange feeling. I mean, I have fought for this for years. To be heard and to have a the operation to take away a large part of what triggers the disease and exhausts me daily. But actually having it confirmed was a lot to take in, I think partly due to how my body is coping currently with these injections – my god it is emotionally and physically draining on me. Mentally I have broken so many times and my mental health and anxiety have suffered. I am sure it led to triggers in the relationship I had, and also my relationships with other people currently – both friends and family. I feel withdrawn, I am tired all the time, my bones ache. The fatigue is on another level. But, there is hope and light that the surgery will help, and will also lead to less medication and triggers in my body. I know it won’t completely relieve my symptoms. But it will help. But again, I have that battle in my head – feeling less of a woman, not feeling enough. But thats my insecurities again.
December, oh December… I get to look forward to Christmas for one, instead of the magical time I had planned with my ex boyfriend. I can’t see family because of the travel, and friends are all loved up and spending time with children. I sway between feeling fine and feeling upset. I try to focus on what I will do and how my day can be totally stress free – I have no-one to consider, its just me. I might even just write the whole time off, go for long walks, make sure I eat well and don’t over indulge. Get lost in books, in movies and writing… a period of reflection. A time to set my intentions for 2021.
I mean, if we can make it through a pandemic year – we can make it through anything right?