I haven’t written for so long now, it is one of those things i keep telling myself i should do – because i know i feel better when I do, but at the same time, i just haven’t wanted to face my emotions. And then this last couple of days it’s all just hit me hard. You know, when you have just been coasting along and going yeah its all good, everything is fine, yeah sure it is,…. but really it isn’t and you are screaming inside and just ignoring the signs in your gut that you need to stop and take a breath. stop and listen to what your body is telling you that you mind is trying to cover up.
I have been doing so well the last year or so, and ever since i went home a month or so ago for a relatives funeral, i just haven’t felt the same. Another family argument weighing heavily on my soul. Feeling a fragment of the person I was before I went back. I hate that it sets me off running in a different direction and how I can’t just shrug off the shackles that tie me to them. I wish I could be stronger and be able to just accept that I will never be enough for them, but know I am more than enough. I accept who I am and I did fight back for once, which I never have before, I stood my ground and said my piece. But never have the words spoken to me hit me so hard and made me feel so much of a disappointment,
I’m 30-something and I hate how younger life conditioned me to hold so much value on the opinion of others on whether I was a good person or if I was enough. If I was smart enough, doing enough, being enough.
I know I have done so well lately, I know I am putting my mental health and wellbeing ahead of anything else. I have a great job, I have a home to live in – ok I don’t own it (which is one of the disappointments that family have with me) but I am able to look after myself, my fur kids and I support my friends and those I love wholeheartedly.
I know I am a good person with a kind heart. I know I am happy with my choices. I don’t have regrets. But I know I sometimes don’t put my needs ahead of other peoples. And I had been doing so well with that earlier this year. I don’t speak my truth enough.
I am just tired of always fighting against opinions of what I should be doing by family. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep doing it with them. Its exhausting and then makes me not able to think properly about the rest of life and the other relationships I have with people.
I have so much going on right now with medical treatments, delayed surgery times due to covid, and just work being such a beast alongside the fatigue and side effects from the medical stuff. I can feel myself slowly slipping again, into the void, into the space I thought I was far away from.
I believe that nothing meant for me will pass, I believe that everything that will be mine will be mine. I trust the universe has my back and has a plan for me. I know it will all make sense and one day I will be in a place I never knew could exist with someone who loves me so much, and that truly sets my soul on fire. I know they are out there. I know that I have done so much for myself, and am a complete person alone. But my heart yearns for that someone…
I just want to stop crying, to stop feeling like I cant rely on people cos they always disappear or I disappoint them.
I don’t even know why I am writing this post but I guess I just need to try to get some quiet on my brain which has been driving me hard all weekend.
For anyone struggling – you are not alone. Please reach out – to me, to anyone you feel you can. You don’t have to go it alone. Xoxo