It’s not the pandemic that’s causing the lack of sleep tonight… it’s the thoughts and wonderings of where I actually go wrong with trusting people.
I’ve always been an open and honest person, totally heart on sleeve and what you see is what you get. I care for people, too much sometimes, I believe people when they say things to me. I want to be hopeful, to be optimistic that this person – friend or potential partner – is telling me their real feelings. Not spinning a line, or telling me what I want to hear… but that they are being genuine.
Tonight, in my pain medicated endometriosis funk, I have spent hours and hours over analysing and thinking about what I am doing wrong. Why I am in a cycle of always picking the wrong people to be in my life. The pattern of believing, genuinely hopeful and trusting. Just being me and letting someone in… to be hurt, ghosted or lied to – over and over again. If its happening so frequently, I am starting to doubt my ability to attract the right people into my life, to even trust my own judgement of who really does care. And then it makes it harder when trying to form that new relationship – platonic or not. Because the anxiety kicks in and I question – how long will it be this time, do they really mean that – or are they just saying what they think I want to hear?
Its exhausting… I don’t even know why I am writing but sometimes its just needed to clear my head, to let the tears out and to hope that this will let me get the rest my mind and soul needs. I don’t even know how to let go of the thoughts. I know I can only control my actions, I can only be the best me, the true me. But I am tired… I don’t want to shut off from the world and stop forming relationships with people. I am ever hopeful that one day I might find that soul that sets me on fire within, someone who I can believe without fault. but believing without fault hasn’t helped me so far.
Before Christmas I lost two people that mattered – one a friend I met in bizarre circumstances, but anyway, they’d disappeared before needing space, but came back and I was so happy to have them back in my life… only for them to disappear again… and still months later nothing…
The second… well, he was that person, the one I had waited my whole life for, that soul that set me on fire within and made me believe in love. Which after divorce, I never thought I might even find again, or even believe it was possible… but the short time we had together – while nervous about the weight of the feelings we had, he made me believe in us, in love, in the fact that good people do get a happy ending… until it wasn’t a happy ending and he disappeared… he came back a month or so later, with an explanation – some pretty heavy family business happening, and I understood – I’d known that he wouldn’t have disappeared for just no reason… until a few weeks later… it happened again… gone without a trace.
It’s not jsut them though… it feels like the world these days is just a throway culture – not just for material things, but people and feelings too… perhaps I am wrong, I am overthinking – it wouldn’t be the first time, but I don’t know.
I feel stupid. I feel dumb. I try and date – well, I set up a profile and started to attempt to date and then this whole pandemic occurred and well – its not possible to meet anyone just talk. And I try, so hard to believe, so hard to trust. I’ve spoken to my counsellor and asked advice, to know what it is I am doing wrong – where am I going wrong… what is it about me that keeps doing this. She tells me its not me, that it’s them… but is it really – if it keeps happening?
And so I sit here at 2am my second sleepless night in a row, trying to hold back yet more tears. Wishing I didn’t have my hopeless romantic streak, wishing I could for once not feel anything about people – friends or otherwise. Wishing I could just not care and could stop thinking about people when they have disappeared and move on myself, because if I truly mattered surely they wouldn’t do it…
I want to believe in love, to believe that somewhere, someone is also looking for me, a person with so much to give, that would do anything for friends and family, ambitious and caring, romantic and kind, that when I am having my pains and needing my strongest prescription meds to cope with it, will just hold me while I cry. Will support me through the difficult days, and be someone I can rely on.
But, well, if the last few years has taught me anything, its that I can only rely on myself. But I really wholeheartedly hope that I am wrong…