Wordless… but full of words

Sometimes I want to write but can’t find the words.

I can be filled with emotion and need to get it out onto a page – but it just doesn’t come out. I can’t make enough sense of it all to write it.

Thats how I have felt the last month or two… just stuck in a trap – unable to get the words out and driving myself insane… It’s one of the hardest things I find struggling with my mental health. I’ve always been creative and had an ability to write and express myself but some days… It’s just impossible. And I feel stuck in limbo.

It got particularly bad over Christmas and New Years. I love being with family – I mean we all have our ups and downs, and well that time of year is always full on anyway, but I really struggled. I found myself crying without knowing the trigger and then frustrated at myself because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t break it all down.

It continued to build up and I spent the last week of 2019 and the first two weeks of the year waking up crying in my sleep. Unable to remember what the dream was that caused it. And feeling tired and exhausted and just over sensitive and emotional as a result. I wanted to shut off from the world and just hibernate. Stay home and not work, not socialise and not pick up my phone.

I hate when it gets like that, when you can feel your anxiety and depression totally overwhelming you and no matter what you try or how you approach it – you feel deep in the dark hole. The pit that starts to just consume you more and more and you can’t climb out to the top. You’re lost without direction.

So I decided to go back to you spiritual friend and have a crystal healing session. I have always felt since having these a year or so ago, that they really do help to lift the fog. I know everyone has their own opinion about spirituality and whether its just hocus pocus or not for me its a comfort. I believe in it, I believe in the fact that the moon influences our emotions and behaviours. That there is a higher power in the universe and we need to reconnect. I believe in tarot and spiritual guidance. It provides me comfort and helps me relax.

Having the crystal healing session was a turning point for me, I felt like I was taking back a bit of control and making a stand. That my mind was going to unlock itself and allow me to find my way back. After the session, chakras all balanced, aura cleansed and a welcome peace that followed, I spoke with my spiritual friend about the issues I was having with my sleep and just generally in life. How I didn’t want to go to the doctors anymore – they just increase the medication I am on and it masks the issue it doesn’t help me work through it. We talked about Yoga Nidra, meditation and crystal in more depth and I said I would do anything to start helping my inner self and my wellbeing.

I walked away feeling a relief I hadn’t felt in a while, I had taken action! I had taken a step in the right direction and empowered myself. I awaited eagerly the email from her with links to good meditation practices and also recommendations for any crystals that would help me. That I could use during the practice, but also the knowledge that I should go and look at crystals and see which I was drawn – to aid my healing.

I didn’t feel fixed, I didn’t feel like the problem had been solved but I knew I was taking action. I was in control and I could deal with the situation.

It’s been two weeks since that session, my crying has stopped at night, I am meditating and finding the good in the day, and putting out to the universe my hopes and desires. It’s a long process but it’s progress none the less.

I am filled in the belief that the universe has my back and I can empower myself to climb out of the pit – and hopefully feel like the words will find their way and I will be able to continue to express myself and turn it around. I’ll keep the support from my medication but I want to peel away that mask and feel the feelings and learn and move through them.

It’s a long journey, but I’ll get there, I know I will.