It’s been a while since I have written… I don’t even know why it has been, it doesn’t seem like that much time has passed – but it has. I’ve felt a bit lost this week and really realised how much writing helps me to get clarity and realise what I am doing well and how to just open up and “get stuff out” can be so much more beneficial for my mind.
Last weekend would have been my sixth wedding anniversary – it seems so strange knowing this – I have now been apart from my ex husband for way longer than we were married – we had split before our third anniversary. The wedding and that life seem a dream – it doesnt seem like it was my reality at all, but I know it was. I woke on the morning of my anniversary in tears, I have those dreams sometimes where I wake up and I am crying – it’s been a strange thing that has happened so often for as long as I can remember. But I really wasnt expecting it to happen that morning… the date hadn’t really resonated with me – I was so busy with work – and working all weekend as well, that I was surprised at what happened and realised my subconcious must on some level still be processing everything and trying to allow myself to forgiveness for it not working. Noone ever gets married to get divorced – and that had definitely not been my intention – I was a hopeless romantic, so full of expectation and excitement on my wedding day, looking forward to the new start we would make… in truth though – nothing changes – nothing at all. And I soon realised that the only changed that did happen – had been for the worse. Divorce was right for me, but now I do wonder if I could ever re-marry… I mean I have been single nearly 3.5years now and still no sign of even a remote relationship starting from my dating life. But its OK… I know it is. I need to remind myself more often – my happiness does not come from somone else… it comes from within me. I am in control of that…
Anyway – my new job means that I am constanlty reminded of that past life, I am working and breathing in the spaces we met, we had drinks, memories with friends – a second proposal when we brought my engagement ring… I am constantly surrounded by the person I was. And it can feel a little overwhelming. Especially this last week. But its OK! I know it will get easier, I know one day I will be at work and think nothing of it.
So now today, I have been reflecting on what has been happening since my last post – I am reducing my meds – and I am on a low dose now, but I am not entirely sure it was the right choice, I know I need to give it time, but I do wonder if I have gone too fast too soon – but i will continue for a few more weeks and then have my visit and decide what to do with the the doctor.
I have since last writing lost almost a stone, but the last week has been a bit of a wall – however I am not going to self sabbotage myself anymore. I am going to get back on track and continue the loss. I have an aim in mind for Christmas and I want to succeed. I need to keep focus with myself.
As far as dating and life goes… I know I need to try, I know I need to be more open and allow people in but sometimes that is really hard. I guess when the right person comes along it’ll all just fall into place.
I guess all I really need to do is have the courage to keep fqacing my battles, to keep trying to be kinder to myself and remember that I am healing, that I am trying and that I will get there.
I hope you are having a wonderful weekend