The constant battle

I don’t really know where this post will go, but I feel like I need to write. I need to just try to give my brain a rest from the over thinking and overworking. to spill the thoughts into a post, and if it reaches someone who is sat here just like me tonight, then that will be a positive in my eyes.

The last week my anxiety and depression have been battling against each other, one minute I don’t want to do anything, can’t feel anything just empty… and the next, I think too much, I feel too much and then I cry. To say it is exhausting is really dumbing down the feeling, but I just can’t think what it is that I could call it – anyone felt that? If you can explain or have a word you use – let me know, I feel think may play on my mind for a while now… great! Another restless night perhaps – lets hope for the exhaustion that makes me pass out.

Do you ever just wonder, why… why did this happen or how did I manage to become this person I don’t even recognise at the moment. This person who is a fraction of my former self, just clawing my way up out of the dark trying to be the person I know I can be, the version of myself I remember, only better because I am stronger for getting through this again… I was looking at photos over my last year that my lovely iPhone pulled together into one of those memories videos… I remember all the lovely times, but I don’t remember being that person. Such a bizarre feeling…

I’ve been trying to be more open with friends about things this last couple of weeks, reaching out more and being honest with certain friends when they ask me how I am, I tell them, I don’t just say “yeah I’m good” or “okay thanks”. I actually say “I’m struggling” and if I feel like I can explain I do, sometimes it’s so hard to put into words, and I say that. but being honest and open will hopefully help get that support and help that I need. I’m hoping it helps them understand more, to know that I do need their support sometimes, I am the worst for asking for help, but always one of the first to offer it. I like to not be able to think, to keep myself busy, but at the moment, I just do nothing. Like tonight, after speaking to a friend for a bit on the phone, I literally just lay there staring into space for the whole evening because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. It never happens that way, but the hours just passed and I thought nothing of it… I’d even brought myself a puzzle book today when I went shopping so I could do something to quiet my brain, make myself think about something, focus on something but it and the pen sat beside me unopened… and I didn’t even care… what do you do when you have that feeling, when you get like that? How do you just break the funk…

Laying here in bed at the moment, I keep thinking how will tomorrow be different. I honestly don’t know, but perhaps I will make myself a short list and see how much I can tick off. Not chores but things that will be good for me… read for 2 hours, paint my nails, do a face mask, listen to music for the afternoon… things that make me feel and take care of myself. Maybe I will even try to write some more here…

It’s actually helped sitting here babbling on tonight, I feel a little calmer and focused. I feel like I have done something productive with some time, a little bit every day and perhaps over time, I’ll start to realise the person I feel like tonight is starting to disappear.

Here’s hoping x