After a few weeks (maybe couple of months…) I am finally trying to get myself back on track. One of the hardest things about suffering with anxiety and depression is when you hit that wall it is so hard sometimes to pick yourself up. you literally feel like getting out of bed is an effort, let alone the shower, the dressing and the leaving the house. You don’t sleep, you can’t think properly and you just feel like a zombie going through the motions and doing what you can to get through the day. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. And the last six weeks we’re the hardest I have had for a long time.
Don’t get me wrong…. I had an amazing few weeks – I travelled across the country, within Europe, saw family and friends, went to work, had illness and a minor op at hospital. And lets not forget the fun and excitement of Christmas and New Year…. the trouble was I literally felt like I had no idea where I was or what I was doing and I was completely out of my usual routine where everything seems manageable and safe…
When you have anxiety and depression that can make things so hard to handle at times… and I recognise that now, looking back and thinking about how hard I have been on myself for feeling like a failure because it had consumed me so much of this year so far… but then I recognised – that’s OK. I don’t need to judge myself, its okay to need time, to feel down, to have all these emotions you just don’t know what to do with, but this week I just hit a breakthrough… finally!!!
I recognised it was a new day, a new week and I need to not dwell on the last few weeks and all the emotions contained within the memories. I need to be present. I need to focus in the moment of now, and deal with things minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. I am in control of my actions and that is all that matters.
I feel quite excited for the week ahead after a few days of trying to organise myself. I have my first discussion about therapy options, deciding with the wellbeing service in my local area, what the right course of action is for treatment and help to deal with the multitude of emotions and feelings I have inside. To find productive ways to move forwards and stop looking back. It will be nice to have something supplementing the medication I take to help with my balance. To think about the whole.
Alongside this, I am want to regain control again. I had been thinking about the times I have felt strongest over the last few years, the times I felt like I was making the right steps forward, and that was when I was organised. It sounds silly and so simple that organisation can help with control, but when your brain never stops and you can’t relax and you just feel exhausted having a shower, but having clarity and “a plan” can really make me feel so much more together.
And while it doesn’t solve everything it helps me identify and control things I can control. And when you feel like you’re sinking and always in quick sand it can be something as simple as that which gives you that breathing space – that moment of calm, the one thing you need where for a second you feel peace.
So how will I tackle it? I am a big fan of a list or an excel spreadsheet so I decided what better way to begin than…
My To-Do list
Meal preps – I am overweight. I know this – I am a mega comfort eater… However, enough is enough! I can;t keep eating feelings, it is not doing me any favours! So I spent the last two days planning meals. I have planned 8 meals that I will make this weekend so there are no excuses! I had my weigh in this morning and hopefully next week I will see progress. Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to be ruled by the scales – this girl loves cheese and bourbon wayyyyyyy too much! But its all about balance and getting where I want slowly. So here’s to eating healthy and finding that happy point.
Restart my Bullet Journal – This has been an amazing thing for me to find while I have been alone. It is a great way to organise and feel like you are in control with whatever aspects you want. I love my habit tracker, I love my book spreads, my holiday plans, and all the other fun and creative ways that I love.
Work out plan – it makes me ache just thinking about excercise these days… I used to love it, I used to live for it, but now… ugh… it fills me with dread. Probably because I have put on so much weight through the emotional eating in the first place! But… I’m getting to grips with it and starting out slow… I have yoga every monday – I have found such a passion for yoga – okay so I am not by any means great at it, but it is an amazing hobby for body and mind… so that is continuing and I also have more items to help at home with my practise. I am also going to use my static bike more – I aim for twice a week to begin with, and then up it as I get more into it all. That great feeling when I beat a PB on things is so satisfying, I need to start feeling that again.
De-cluttering – I live in a 1.5 bed flat, I have a living room/kitchen area and that is it. I feel like I am overwhelmed by stuff! I am sure I am not the only person in the world who feels like this but I feel like I have not stopped de-cluttering since I moved in. So how will it be different? I am going to be more ruthless. Anything that hasn’t been used in the last year is getting a really good check and if it isn’t something I genuinely see myself using in the next three months – its outta here! My local charity shop will have so many wonderful things, I will sell some and then the rest will have to go to the tip…
Reading more – I love reading, I have hundreds of paperbacks and kindle books. I literally love reading. But I don’t do it enough… So rather than my countless Netflix binges where I just phone scroll – I am going to read. And maybe not even Netflix. Let’s have no screen time at all sometimes and come home from work and read and listen to music.
Podcasts – OK I am really late to the party on these… but oh my god I am in love with podcasts! They were great for travelling as I get travel sick so not looking at a screen or book is much-needed on long journeys, and podcasts literally saved me! I binged The Teachers pet, I binged My Dad wrote a porno, and as I write this… I am binging Serial – series 1. And I need more inspiration! Please share
Finally, I need to keep being more creative, I love just rambling on in my blog (sorry but its uncut and just me and I know I do go on sometimes), I love writing to friends, writing stories and poetry, drawing, I need to do this more, nothing helps convey and get out emotions out more than creativity and letting myself just set it free….
So here’s to positivity and fresh starts, to taking things one moment at a time, and being more open and honest with myself, to help myself stop this cycle of struggle and feel “me” again
xx
cactiandcurls.com 
I can definitely relate to all that you want to accomplish. Pretty much my To-Do list as well.
I kinda fell off with keeping up with my bullet journal; my first year, 2019.
I’ve been making an attempt to try to read more too.
Right now working on “Children of Blood and Bone” by Tomi Adeyemi.
Trying to find the inspiration to start drawing again …
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It’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone in these things isn’t it? The great thing about bullet journals is that they can be exactly what you want them to be – and time out doesnt matter you can pick it up and start again. I havent read that book yet I will have to look it up. You will get there, we will get there – just need to take it day to day and sudenly it won’t even feel like its a thought at all anymore xx
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